My Grandad is a very wise man. One of the things he’s always said about parenting is that children can cope with nearly anything, so long as they receive plenty of demonstrative love and, you know, I think he’s right.
Lots of issues with children can be solved simply by realising that you haven’t been showing your child you love them much recently, and rectifying it. Obviously lots need more than that, but often it’s just a feeling of security in their parents’ love that gives children the strength to deal with something themselves.
I explained, in this Tantrum Checklist post about insecurity, how a child needs to physically feel your love; that just saying it isn’t really enough, hence the word demonstrative in my Grandad’s little gem of parenting advice.
But in our eagerness to ensure our children feel loved by us, is it possible for us to overdo it? I recently had a conversation with a mum who told me that her parents had smothered her with cuddles, and it had driven her so mad that she tried to hold back when she felt like she wanted to cuddle her own kids.
This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this but, you know, I think this has less to do with cuddles and more to do with respect. If you don’t respect your child’s need to have control over their own body by cuddling them even when they’re not interested, then they feel claustrophobic and it can damage your relationship with them just as much as withholding physical affection can.
Really, this has nothing to do with counting how many cuddles you give your child, or how often you give them. It even has nothing to do with making sure that you give an equal number to each child! What it does relate to is respect and taking your child seriously.
If you respect and take your child seriously, you are not likely ever to over- or under-cuddle him because you will be listening to him. You will be taking the cues he sends you that he needs more love at one time, or less. You will be sensitive to the times when he submits to a cuddle just to please you, and you will not push for one if he shakes his head and says he’s too busy playing. And, when he asks for a cuddle, you will try to say yes as often as possible but you will also respect and take yourself seriously so that if you are also not able to cuddle your child right now, you will say so, kindly and with the promise of a cuddle very soon when you have calmed down/finished stirring the custard.
This last part is important. Ideally, children grow up with a strong sense of self, and a strong knowledge that they can and should say ‘no’ to things. They will grow up understanding about personal boundaries, and are less likely to find themselves in damaging relationships where they submit to things simply because they don’t value themselves as people enough.
In addition, a reluctant cuddle is, in my opinion, probably worse than none at all. Children are not stupid. They know when our heart’s not in a cuddle, and it will simply defeat the object. A cuddle is mean to transmit love physically to your child. A reluctant cuddle just transmits resentment. Far better to be kindly honest with your child, and ask him to respect your need to control your personal boundaries just as you respect his.
One last point: don’t feel bad if you find that one of your children seems to have far more cuddles than another. Just like adults, all children are different and they all have different needs. It’s OK if one child needs more than others. What you don’t want is to be taking one of your children’s needs more seriously than another’s.
In conclusion: yes, you can give your child too many cuddles, but too many cuddles simply means cuddling your child too much for him, and too few cuddles means not cuddling your child enough for him.
Would love to hear your thoughts!
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See at first my inital response is no, a child can never have enough cuddles! But then I read on to the bit about respecting your child, and I agree completley.
I feel that love is only true when respect is involved.
A child needs respect just as much as an adult does. To feel validated by the people who mean the most to them.
A child does need cuddles just as much as they need respect.
Glad you agreed in the end :D
Remember when some wrinkly old bat tried kissing and cuddling you when you were young?
Mwa..mwa…mwa…
Ewwwwwww!!!!…..
The horrors of old age….
I modulate tactile contact per child; eldest needs less hugs these days. I also stick up for them when their mother is all cuddly when they don’t want it too.
Weirdly, both mine are still very happy to hold my hand when crossing roads, which I am rejecting all the time now.
LOL at old lady kissing, Stuart! Yes, that’s often referred to in kids books as something to be avoided at all costs!
Loved this post! Agree with every word of it actually.
Thank you! :)
Not sure whether this is relevant or not. Our parents live in the far East. So when my husband’s parents came over, they tried to make up for lost time and continously (not just alot, but continous shots for just one pose) snapped pictures of my daughter whenever they can. I thought it was just me thinking that they are over doing, but my daughter got so fed up she refuse to pose in front of the camera during the time of their stay, and even said that she doesn’t like them.
I know that they are really over doing it, but I never connect it to disrespecting my daughter or not taking her complains seriously.
Now I’m quite glad that we didn’t live in the same country, as it would be difficult for the grandparents to understand that what they are doing are disrespecting their grand child.
Thanks very much for the post! x
Glad you found it helpful. I too had someone who smothered my kids because s/he rarely saw them…I did, in the end, tell them that it was counter-productive, and taking a step back and letting the children go to him/her would work far better. S/he listened and the children now adore him/her :)
great post! exactly my POV
Thank you :)
Love it. Agree. Thanks for the reminder!
Thanks for your comment :)
It probably doesn’t surprise you that I agree with every word of this. Hannah always has been and still is incredible tactile and needs a lot of cuddles (she would probably still be in the Ergo if she fit!). I mostly make my position for her as “I am here; you can be as near to me or far from me as you need to be…safety considerations aside!”. There are odd moments where I am too cross or something to be touched but on the whole she respects that because her needs to cuddle or not be cuddled are respected.
Thanks, Sarah – no, knowing you, it doesn’t surprise me :) Hannah’s a lucky girl x
My 21mo daughter today said a new sentence: “mommy, please stop”. I have been teaching her ways to clearly express her needs and wants and today it paid off. She didn’t want to be tickled anymore. I stopped :) Made me think of your post, again. Cheers!
Great! Sounds like that felt good :) Thank you for sharing!
I don’t think mothers can show too much love for their children. it is impossible to overdo :) The more love we show, the more we get back!
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I’m having a think about the subject now, not only about my 16month-old, but also in memory of my student years when I used to look after my baby cousins. They are in a family of 6, with only 8 years between the first and the last born. The first 4 were born less than 18 month apart. They used to like cuddles with me. The second born I remember was particularly clingy with me at times. I didn’t mind that at all, cuz I adored him just like his siblings and I didn’t see “on demand cuddling” as a problem at the time, and I still don’t with my DD. However, their dad did. I remember him giving me the disapproving look at times and even telling them to stop asking me for picking up. It was apparent that these children were not picked up much by their own parents as the dad was not the type and the mum was pregnant every year so for health reasons, had to do it as little as possible. Her second child was barely 5 month old when she became pregnant with the third, and it was a tough pregnancy. That might explain why the 2nd child ended up especially clingy even once at school. Therefore, a child who is lacking physical affection from its own parents, is bound to look for it elsewhere, simply because it’s a need, and it has nothing to do with a want, such as a toy at the supermarket. Of course a big cousin is not the same as a mother but it is still better than nobody at all.
Sometimes, toddlers have clingy phases, like my daughter does. It can be linked to teething, a cold or other things, but it is just a phase. Trust me, when they’re teenagers, or maybe before, it be over.
Thank you for your comment :) You are so right!
I’m please you liked my post. I’ve only just discovered your blog, I’ll get to read more posts. Of course, I always let my daughter go when she’s on my lap and starts getting off, that’s what I call “on demand cuddling” lol. Maybe there are few parents who will do too much by harassing their kids with hugs, kisses etc even when they’re not bothered or busy with something else. However, I think the opposite is more common, and it’s a real shame.